Day 1 as a Student Senator

So today I went to my orientation as a new student senator. Wow. What the fuck did I sign up for? Basically, here's how student government at my university breaks down. We oversee about half a million dollars each semester in the form of "student activity fees," or extra cash that each student attending my university has to pay. From that half a million, the student senate allocates resources to fund essential services on campus, the school paper and radio station, and other projects that promote student success. We also have discretionary funds that student groups can apply for to help go to conferences, host events, etc. In other words, compared to most universities, student government actually performs a useful function at my school. That's the "neat" part. The not-so-neat part boils down to the usual cause of problems in life: Other people.

Parliamentary procedure is used for each meeting to make sure that things don't get wildly out of hand, that people don't talk over each other, and that some veneer of professionalism is maintained. This is a good thing - but the sheer amount of bureaucracy, or more importantly, a lack of understanding of how the bureaucracy works by most of the participants makes attending one of these meetings feel like getting beaten with lead pipes. Beyond people, beyond student senators who should know what they're doing not having done their homework, there's the other "people problem."

There is a very special type of person that goes to and truly enjoys meetings of these types - I call them "meetings whores." These are people with little to contribute other than a love of hearing their own voice; people who will take every opportunity to criticize a motion or proposal, who make mountains out of molehills to create the illusion that they're performing important work, and who are self-aggrandizing to the extreme. I hate these people, and I've already identified those who are going to be my prime nemesis' for the following school year. If someone would load these people into helicopters and toss them out into the bay, we could turn a four hour meeting into an hour long meeting. To compound the difficulty, these people tend to be the ones with the most motivation to attend each meeting.

This entire problem could be minimized if the Chair actually did his job: stopping nonsense, and making sure the proceedings go smoothly. I wasn't impressed by what I saw today. Granted, I'm a freshman senator - what the fuck do I know, right? But in reality, you could get rid of half of the senate seats, combine some committees, run meetings with a no-nonsense Chair, and the only people who would suffer would be the ones who love to raise objections over the barest minutia.

Next week? A budget meeting. The last budget meeting ran for eight hours. I'm packing a bag lunch.

Philosopher King

So here's a story... I've decided to run for student senate at my university. Now, I've previously made statements such as, "student government is utterly worthless." That might seem to conflict with my recent candidacy. Fair point. In my defense, I was drunk when I made the decision. More importantly, I think that student government can actually be useful in a limited way. It's a bridge between the administration and the student body, and does have some say regarding finance and the ability to organize events on campus. Worst case, it'll be an interesting sociological experiment. Which brings me to this snippet of conversation I had with a friend of mine regarding my plans following my inauguration... the names were changed, though no one was innocent:

T. Madison: yeah, true - and I have to agree with him to a certain extent. But at the end of the day I really do think that student government can do great things, but my cynicism comes from being skeptical that it can overcome infighting and external barriers. Part of the problem is that half the people in student government are just there to be in a clique or enclave on campus

J. Wilks: yeah, absolutely. And I also think it can actually be of good use

T. Madison: I know I've said student government is "worthless" and I'm not backing away from that statement - I think it more or less is worthless, at least in the results it historically produces, but I don't think it's innately worthless

J. Wilks: don't worry, I won’t send a transcript of this to the free press...

T. Madison: lol, I guess I'm subconsciously thinking like a politician already

J. Wilks: haha

T. Madison: but fuck them! I'm running unopposed! Hahaha!

J. Wilks: lol

T. Madison: I could walk in there on day one and say, "Hah! this is all a crock of shit!" - no - better than that - that could be my platform - and I'd still get elected.

J. Wilks: yes indeed

T. Madison: Maybe next year if I'm still around I'll run for student body president and then declare martial law

J. Wilks: in fact you could just wait a month 'till someone drops out and then get yourself appointed and not worry about hte election...

T. Madison: Will you be my general? I'll provide the eye patch

J. Wilks: damn straight! or at least foreign minister...

T. Madison: My first decree will be a distribution of campus resources under martial law. I'll need you to recruit shock troops that will steal the kegs from frat and sorority houses and appropriate the buildings as student apartments. Except for the frat house, that'll be my palace. And the sorority members will be used as concubines for myself, and my staff

J. Wilks: Wow - this is going to be the best year ever! and because I am writing a thesis on how a state comes to manipulate thugs into doing horrifying acts of violence. I'm well suited for the job

T. Madison: My second decree will be the removal of all athletic scholarships and a redistribution of funds to lower tuition costs.

I plan to be the case study for the philosopher king, or enlightened despot.

J. Wilks: lol. I see history repeating itself ...

T. Madison: Part of the athletic scholarship will also be used to provide extra confectionary goods to keep Police and Safety on my side.

J. Wilks: one day I will challenge your authority and you will have me shot

T. Madison: You'd never.

J. Wilks: but that will cause an uprising which you will quell with much violence

T. Madison: I'll just throw a little money at the international affairs program

J. Wilks: oh, well that’s cool then... everyone has a price I guess

T. Madison: That's why police and safety will have to be bribed. I'll naturally have to increase their funding to provide fire hoses, rubber bullets, and an armored vehicle. Razor wire will go around the my converted frat house, and a 50 cal machine gun will be placed on the porch.

J. Wilks: wow, you are really going to put USM on the map - I bet you turn around the retention problem over night

T. Madison: Oh, there will be no more dropping out.

J. Wilks: anyone who tries to go will be shot?

T. Madison: First they'll face an "exit interview" where a special staff "discusses" their reasons for wanting to drop out, and has a reasonable discussion explaining why that would be a bad idea. If they still persist, they'll be taken to a camp (the Sullivan gym will be converted to this end).

J. Wilks: If I wasn't so high up in the administration, I would be kind of afraid right now...

T. Madison: You'll be among my inner circle, which will only consist of my most trusted allies. You, Amanda, Lauren, Hans, and a handful of others. I need people on my staff that I don't have to worry about getting paranoid about later and thus have to purge.

J. Wilks: BJ just for window dressing?

T. Madison: BJ... window dressing is too good for her. She'll be part of the concubine. I can't trust her

J. Wilks: but she buys into the whole power paradigm you set up, even if she doesn't realize it...

T. Madison: Which is exactly why she's so untrustworthy

J. Wilks: plus she has a great rack...

T. Madison: hence, the concubine.

J. Wilks: fair enough

T. Madison: I would accept her on my staff only if she publicly executed her current squeeze to show her commitment. Then I'd put her in charge of executive relief

J. Wilks: is she still with him?

T. Madison: god only knows

J. Wilks: good lord, what a waste...

T. Madison: Seriously. So basically that's my plan. I seriously hope I can count on your support...

J. Wilks: do I have a choice?

T. Madison: Sure. Just a shitty one.

J. Wilks: lol

T. Madison: Dude, trust me, you always want to get in on the ground floor with these things.

J. Wilks: how true

T. Madison: part of me wishes we had this conversation in person, but another part of me is glad there's a text record of it

J. Wilks: yeah - evidence to be held on to for future bribery... I mean laughs...

T. Madison: Dude, you're my general. What more do you want? You get beer, automatic weapons, and enough pussy to give you a thousand offspring. Plus you get to push people around. Your only real task will to take a percentage of freshman each year and train them to serve in the People's Army

J. Wilks: what is really scary is how accurate that is... you just described most every dictatorship in the world...

T. Madison: See? I'm more than qualified.

J. Wilks: since US government 101, I've never questioned that...

T. Madison: I will humbly take that as a generous, heart-felt compliment

J. Wilks: indeed

T. Madison: I think this conversation needs to go on my blog.

J. Wilks: yeah - i was thinking the same, but it fits better on yours..

T. Madison: I'll change our names and initials

J. Wilks: yeah

T. Madison: this is good - I've been waiting for more blogging inspiration.