"...I know because I've done it thousands of times."

So there haven't been any updates for over a week - and I guess that's because my heroic quest to quit smoking sort of flopped. Well, it didn't "sort of" flop. It nosedived into a field. To someone who's never smoked, it must seem silly that a person can't just up and quit. Believe me, I say that to myself at times. I have one particular neurosis though that makes quitting a little more challenging. I can't just have one pack of cigarettes on hand. If I'm down to my last pack I feel like I'm running out of ammunition - and you never want to be low on ammo. So by about that time I'll invariably head out to the corner store to pick up a few spare clips, and lo and behold, my "low ammo anxiety" will immediately dissipate. The problem with that is I'll set a quit date, mark it on my calendar, be deadly serious about it, enjoy my "last day" of smoking, and go to bed. Then the next morning I'll wake up, groggy, nicotine deprived, and see a pack of unsmoked cigarettes a few feet away from me on my desk. And I'll light up. What I need to do is just immediately stumble into the shower, stumble out, slap on a nicotine patch, and flush the bastards down the toilet. I'll get there within a week or two. You just watch.

So in other news, classes are going well, though I think I've read more about labor relations and capitalism than I ever thought would be possible to cram into a single semester. I'm enjoying it though, and that's what counts. My excessive schedule has kept me from my afternoon/evening cocktails though - something I plan to do something about this coming weekend, perhaps in conjunction with my next quit attempt; maybe as a reward. That's all for now... have more industrial relations papers to read...

Smoking

I'm a smoker. It sucks. Unlike most people I know I didn't start smoking, ironically, until I was 18. My best friend got hooked on it through another friend of his, and he got me to try it. It was great - back then, with no tolerance, taking a drag was like getting high. It felt like your brain was one of those little balls inside the vertical tubes they use to test the power of your lungs when you blow into it. It just went up, and up, and up. I remember saying to my friend, "I can't believe it's legal to smoke and drive!"

Then, of course, the tolerance kicked in. Instead of smoking to get that high, we started smoking just to not feel like shit. Pretty common story. So anyway, I've been smoking for about nine years now, off and on. I've made numerous attempts to quit, some of them even successful, but I'd always end up coming back to Mr. Camel. Or Mr. Basic. Or Mr. Nat Sherman. Or Mr. Dunhill. Or whomever.

It'd always go the same way. I'd use the patch (which is a godsend for me). I'd feel like shit for a few days. I'd feel pretty bad for a week. I'd feel mildly bad for another week. Then I'd be fine. Then, I'd go for maybe weeks, maybe even months without smoking a single cigarette, or even really feeling the urge to. Then one fateful night I'd go out drinking with some friends. I'd get a few drinks in me, have some laughs, and then someone would pull out a cigarette and light up. I'd turn to them and say, "Hey, gimmie one of those." They'd look at me, knowing I'm an ex-smoker, and say, "You sure?" to which I'd reply, "Of course I'm sure. I'm drunk!" Then it'd be all over.

There are people that can quit smoking for good, but still light up once or twice at a party or special occasion. I'm not one of those people. I don't have a completely addictive personality, but in little nooks and crannies of my psyche', I'm like a crack addict when I get started on something. Smoking is one of these things. The physical pains of withdrawal are bad enough, but for me the worst part is the psychological aspect. I've associated cigarettes with pretty much everything I do, from driving, to sitting at my computer, to having a cup of coffee, to watching TV, to a post-dinner treat. When I don't smoke, I don't just feel withdrawal pains. I feel like I don't have my pants on.

So tomorrow I'm going to quit again, and this time I'm going to really try and quit for good. This will probably be my ninth serious attempt. Like Mark Twain once said, "quitting smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times." I guess from that point of view I'm well on my way. So over the next several days I'm going to be chronicling my epic journey into the depths of nicotine-deprived madness. And you, my loyal friends, are coming along with me.